by mzacha at www.sxc.hu
Amanda and I went to a communication seminar one evening last week. It was very informative and helpful in understanding the communication process.
The teacher’s model focused on how our communication comes from a value, belief, life commandment, or want/need that the individual has. Because of these the person is trying to communicate a feeling, attitude, thought, or intention to another person.
He made this statement:
You can be pretty sure that when there is conflict in your marriage or another relationship that there is a value, belief, life commandment, or want/need that is not being met. What conflict does is invite you to discover what your values, beliefs, life commandments, and wants/needs are.
This is when we really start maturing emotionally and spiritually as individuals and as a marital couple. It is when you start discovering who you are and who your spouse is.
There is a real need for both spouses to be committed to the process of communication despite conflict and tension in order to learn yourself and your spouse. Communication and conflict give you an opportunity to discover your spouse and know them intimately. This is why in many ways the deeper and more open the communication the more intimate and close the relationship.
I often teach that one of the purposes of marriage is to mature us as individuals. Conflict is a key aspect of this maturation. It challenges us to examine, grow, and think.
Consider the last time there was conflict between you and your spouse ask yourself these questions:
- What value, belief, life commandment, or want/need is lying behind my statements / their statements?
- What can I learn about myself (what I value, believe, and want/need)? What can I learn about my spouse (what they value, believe, and want/need)?
