by hisks from www.sxc.hu
“Whatever you wish that others would do for you, do also for them.”
The golden rule, which comes from the teachings of Jesus in the sermon on the mount (Mat. 7:12), revolutionizes relationships when put into practice.
However, I think we often misapply it when it comes to meeting the emotional and physical needs of our spouse in marriage. In leading marriage classes and counseling couples I have found that most couples try to meet their spouses needs the way they want their needs met.
Let me share some examples:
- She needs affection through little notes and thoughtful gifts. So she writes little notes for him and gives thoughtful gifts, because she feels that is what he will like and inwardly she hopes he will reciprocate. He thinks it is nice, but it doesn’t do much for him, and thus he rarely leaves any notes or gifts for her.
- He needs a recreational companion to go and enjoy sporting events with, so he goes shopping, watches a chick-flick, all because he believes it shows her his love, and inwardly he hopes she will reciprocate by going to watch football and playing tennis on Saturday.
- She needs open and honest communication, so she shares her heart with him after a hard day. She believes this shows him how much she loves and trusts him, and inwardly she hopes he will listen, respond, and share his heart back.
- He needs a sexual relationship and feels love and connectivity to her through it, so he strives for intimacy. When she delays their encounters, he mistakenly interprets her lack of desire as a lack of love for him.
We could list other ways this happens in a marriage, in fact, I bet you could make your own list. The mistake is we assume the other spouse has the same needs as ourself. We then try to meet their need the way we want ours met. This leaves both spouses frustrated and confused.
Instead, we should apply the golden rule from this perspective, “Do unto my spouse as they want done to them.” You see this is still what Jesus is saying, but it is applying it to the needs of marriage. It just involves an extra step of thinking and consideration. I do unto her as I want her to do to me. How do I want her to do to me? I want her to understand my needs and desires and try to meet those. Thus, I don’t do what I want done to me to her, I do what she wants done to her for her to communicate my love for her. I must listen to her desires and needs and try to meet those, to keep on giving her what I want, isn’t going to communicate my love, but rather my stubbornness.
Give it some thought.
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Some good “classic” books on marriage that teach this principle in expanded forms:
His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley
Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Five Languages of Love by Dr. Gary Chapman
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